How many times in your life have you worried that spending time with yourself or putting yourself first would be selfish? That it is just not an option because of all the other competing needs around you? Do you look to always fulfil others over and above yourself? You’re far from alone, because it’s a common theme among women. It’s what we’ve been taught to do.
We have been indoctrinated by a patriarchal system dating back as far as 4000 years, that putting ourselves first be deemed selfish. We have also been urged to care deeply what others think of us – and that what others think is somehow within our control, or an outcome of our efforts in selflessness. Of course, we all have different morals, values and opinions but it is important to recognise that these notions have been fed to us largely by society, as well as through our various faiths. They are what we have come to believe, but they should no longer be seen as truth.
The first (perhaps hard to swallow) truth is that we will never be able to control what others think or feel towards us through what we say and do. It is entirely out of our hands. So why should it matter so much? As long as we are living by our own values and being true to ourselves, what other people make of our actions and behaviours should not matter.
The second truth is that we all, regardless of gender identity, have the right to think of and serve ourselves without it taking away from our inclination and ability to love and serve others. Women who are coming to terms with the reality of their internalised oppression (in this case, their deep belief they are relied upon to serve others over and above their own self-interests) are left to search for understanding, heal from this fallacy, look inwards rather than outwards, and to recreate and reinforce a very different perspective. A perspective that promotes holistic wellbeing, a measure of self-worth, deeper connections and greater generosity in our world.
A New Perspective
We can serve others much more open-heartedly and with greater passion and commitment if we are duly serving ourselves, because then we need nothing in return. We need not rely on others for their approval, validation and appreciation. That will no longer form our intention. When we are serving ourselves first, we can self-validate and strengthen our sense of worth, so that every act of kindness thereafter comes from a purer, kinder place, is free of expectation, and so much more altruistic. It’s just like putting that oxygen mask on yourself, before helping others.
So stop worrying what others might think and start listening to what you truly know. Spend more time with your greatest asset (you, in case it’s not obvious!) Believe in and allow yourself to feel your worth. Stop playing small. Step into your fears and stand up for change. Reclaim and redevelop your authenticity. Make new and nourishing connections with yourself and others. And above all remember that you CAN and SHOULD be your priority. In remembering and upholding this, your love, passion, commitment, generosity, and your potential to make a positive difference – will be free-flowing and know no bounds.
An Affirmation For Self-Serving
If you worry what others think of you because of your ingrained belief that putting yourself before others is selfish – try repeating the following affirmation throughout the day, and see if you can manifest a change in your perspective. Once you change your deep-set belief, the next steps are to re-discover yourself through self-inquiry – who you are, what you love and what you need to work on to be the best version of you.
“It is OK to love and serve myself because others will experience a far better and kinder version of me.”